Amy W. January 31, 1973-

As I reflect on the memorial service I attended last Tuesday, there are so many thoughts swirling around my head I can hardly capture one to get it out. It has affected me so profoundly I am still reeling from the experience.

Many people stood up to speak about Miss Jacie and it was very touching. I laughed along as I remembered stories about her. The most touching part of the service however, was the slide show. Nothing fancy, a few professional portraits thrown in, but mostly just candid snapshots. Being goofy, hugging her parents, sitting with her kids. After the slide show the screen showed her name and date of birth-date of death.

That simple one line changed everything. What matters is not the dates, but what happened in between them. The dash tells the whole story.

It hit me how utterly disconnected I have been in my life. There are real, living, breathing little people(and one big one) in my house who need me to be present. Not "later." Not "when I'm done on the computer." Now.

I have spent the last few years spending way too much time trying to get away by spending so much time on the computer. It has been an artificial substitute for what has been here all along. It saddens me to no end that the last 4 years of my 4 year old's life have amounted to me spending well over 100 days on the computer.

My dash is empty. Sure, we have memories and fun here and there, but I want to be completely and utterly devoted to living life. I don't want to hear, "probably on the computer," when my kids ask each other where I am. I don't want to yell at them to get in bed so I can have time to myself. I want to be present, active, real.
The mom God has in mind for my children.

So, I will be busy filling in my dash. I don't have grand dreams of a lucrative career, fame, or bungee jumping. But I do have more bedtime stories to read, blanket tents to construct, hearts to nurture, hungry people to feed, a revolution to start.

As for now, I have to go. My son is watching America's Funniest Home Videos and his laughter is irresistible.

Not enough time

There is just not enough time...not enough.

Out, OUT damn spot(ting)!

So it looks like AF will be here tomorrow. I am really not surprised but it is still hard not to be disappointed. *sigh*

Goodbye, Miss Jacie

Tuesday evening I will go to a memorial service for Miss Jacie, who taught at the preschool I used to work at. She died on Wednesday in a car accident.

Thank you, Miss Jacie, for your love of children, and thank you for your fun music and movement classes that the kids in my class loved to attend. To this day, hearing "Baby Beluga" and "Shoo Fly" brings you to mind.

You will be missed.

That hit the spot

Yesterday afternoon when Scott got home from his luncheon he brought me some flowers and Dark Chocolate Truffle from Trader Joe's. He said he hoped it would make me feel better, which is code for, "You are being a witch and gosh I hope you get your period soon so this is all over with."

I'm fine with that.

Typical

So I stopped keeping track of my fertility after last cycle. It was too much. I had the day Af would arrive pinpointed every month. I was tired of being disappointed. I didn't think it would work, not keeping track, I mean. I mean, how can you not notice EWCM?

But it worked, I have no clue when I ovulated. I have no clue when AF is coming. Well, I DO have running plans tomorrow with a new friend so that is sure to trigger it.

And now I am late. CD 44 and I am clueless. I am under no illusions that I am pregnant. But I learned that I prefer knowing my cycle to being oblivious.

And proof that horoscopes are a bunch of crap

I just clicked on to the MSN homepage and saw my horoscope. Yeah, that's accurate. Too funny!

You are going to be busy today, dear Aquarius, but happy. It is likely that a project you have been working on for a long time now suddenly yields some positive results. You can't help but be delighted, as this achievement comes at a time when you have been beginning to question your abilities. Well, question no more. It is clear that you are the one for this particular job. Since social activities are also highlighted, why not round up your team members and treat them all to lunch, to celebrate.

If I could

I would run away right now. The same people that are making want to are the very same who keep me here.

I just put the entire contents of a girls bedroom into trash bags.

I threw a purse at my daughter.

I told them I couldn't stand any of them.

We took a whole week off of school last week to work on attitudes and it did not the least bit of good. I have failed miserably in training my children.

I have not felt this much animosity towards my kids since I had PPD after N was born. I really want to run away.

Tips and Tricks

When guests are coming in the morning and you look at the stove to see the stain remains of the potatoes you boiled over on Easter, cover the whole burner with a cast iron dutch oven. Not only can you not see the stain, it lends to the kitchen a certain rustic charm.

No time to wipe off the kitchen table? Throw a table cloth over it. The table looks fabulous and whatever is stuck on the table helps keep the tablecloth in place.

Growing up

In about 6 months, I will officially be done wiping butts. 5 is the magical cutoff age here where you're on your own. I mentioned that to Scott today and was happy, but wistful. Nothing like being engrossed in a book just getting ready to sit down and hearing, "Mom, I'm done."

Two of my kids no longer take baths, no one wears diapers, no more baby spoons, sippy cups. Our stroller broke a few months ago and there was no reason to replace it. My Maya wrap and cloth diapers(both used only with Natalie) sit in the closet, discarded way before their life expectancy.

I could try the "get rid of your baby things and you will get pregnant" method but since I would be aware of what I was doing, it wouldn't work.

Or, I could get rid of them and then they would just be gone.

My family is growing up.

And I am ok with that.

As we sat at the breakfast table this morning, all six of us and did Mad Libs while we ate, my heart rejoiced in the 10 year old filling in the blanks, the 8 year old laughing so hard he had tears, the 6 year old quietly giggling to herself and the 4 year old whose contribution to the 'plural noun' blank was "baby buttocks." And we mustn't forget dad who had to be reminded what an adverb was.

I still feel like someone is missing from our family. But until I know for sure, I will thank God for this silly, irreverent bunch and the joy they bring me.

How gross can I make my first post?

Seriously, its gross.

So, Scott recently abdicated his job of picking up the dog poop. The task fell squarely on the kids' shoulders because I sure as heck am NOT picking up dog poop. Every other morning, a team sets out armed with a rake, shovel and trash bag.

I guess the task is so crippling, they had to make up code words for the poop just to be able to cope. We have the meatloaf, the sausage, the pancake and the newly christened funnel cake. I can figure out the first three. That last one, I don't even want to know.

During the day one kid or another will lean into a sibling's ear and whisper, "meatloaf" which gets them all howling. I love inside jokes, so this makes me smile.
Sick, I know.

Each day's bounty is tallied by how many of each type was picked up. A report upon entering the house is mandatory. Whatever gets them through, I guess.