As I reflect on the memorial service I attended last Tuesday, there are so many thoughts swirling around my head I can hardly capture one to get it out. It has affected me so profoundly I am still reeling from the experience.
Many people stood up to speak about Miss Jacie and it was very touching. I laughed along as I remembered stories about her. The most touching part of the service however, was the slide show. Nothing fancy, a few professional portraits thrown in, but mostly just candid snapshots. Being goofy, hugging her parents, sitting with her kids. After the slide show the screen showed her name and date of birth-date of death.
That simple one line changed everything. What matters is not the dates, but what happened in between them. The dash tells the whole story.
It hit me how utterly disconnected I have been in my life. There are real, living, breathing little people(and one big one) in my house who need me to be present. Not "later." Not "when I'm done on the computer." Now.
I have spent the last few years spending way too much time trying to get away by spending so much time on the computer. It has been an artificial substitute for what has been here all along. It saddens me to no end that the last 4 years of my 4 year old's life have amounted to me spending well over 100 days on the computer.
My dash is empty. Sure, we have memories and fun here and there, but I want to be completely and utterly devoted to living life. I don't want to hear, "probably on the computer," when my kids ask each other where I am. I don't want to yell at them to get in bed so I can have time to myself. I want to be present, active, real.
The mom God has in mind for my children.
So, I will be busy filling in my dash. I don't have grand dreams of a lucrative career, fame, or bungee jumping. But I do have more bedtime stories to read, blanket tents to construct, hearts to nurture, hungry people to feed, a revolution to start.
As for now, I have to go. My son is watching America's Funniest Home Videos and his laughter is irresistible.
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3 comments:
Here's to a fuller dash for all of us!
And praying for wisdom in the mothering struggle to love our children actively without going completely insane.
Hey. So glad I'm a part of your "dash".
Personally I think you're making a big, fat, full, funny one. The kind you can't type from the keyboard. We'll have to paint a picture of your dash with tempra and a 5 inch brush. We'll need a whole page in your scrapbook to fit just the dash.
Dash on...dash on..
Rosiemama, your dash is an inspiration to me.
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